Monday, 26 July 2010
we all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. and yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. it is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.
it doesn't matter how you did it, why you did it, or even if you meant to do it. all that matters is that you broke my heart when you promised me that you wouldn't. the other shit that comes outta your mouth while you're apologizing means nothing to me.
life is so much more enjoyable now that i decided i don't give a fuck.
some women choose to follow men and some women choose to follow their dreams. if you're wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn't love you anymore.
i haven't been hurt a lot. no, i've been fairly lucky. but the few times that i have been hurt, i was really hurt. and i began to realize, i was getting hurt so bad because i was opening myself up to these people almost completely. and it wasn't only guys. oh no, i had my best friends in the world rip my heart out and stomp on it. and i just kept letting it happen. and that when i realized just that. i kept letting it happen. so that's when it started. i stopped getting close to people, pretty much totally. and if i did get close to people, i kept a watch out. yeah, i'll open up to you, but i'm never off my guard. you know how dogs and horses smell fear? well, i trained myself to smell when i'm close to getting hurt. when i even get a hint of it, my walls shoot up. i start to push whoever the person is away. i start to tell them less and i am less of a happy person around them. soon, they are out of my life, and my heart is still intact. it's a flawless operation; i mean, if i keep my heart blocked by walls, it will never be torn out again. now, of course, it'll never be hugged, or kissed, or loved. and i've already lost quite a few really great people because i felt like they might have the opportunity to hurt me. but it's fool proof. it works.
you want her to love you? leave her. she'll realize she loves you in a heartbeat. because truth is, everyone realizes what they've got when it's gone. it's the biggest cliché ever, but it really is true. you don't know what you've got till it's gone. and maybe us girls should realize we love you earlier, but we don't know how much we appreciate you until you're not there anymore.
and hansel said to gretal, "let us drop these bread crumbs, so that together we find our way home, because losing our way would be the most cruel of things." this year i lost my way. and losing your way on a journey is unfortunate. but losing your reason for the journey is a fate more cruel. the journey lasted eight months. sometimes i traveled alone. sometimes there were others who took the wheel, and took my heart. but when the destination was reached, it wasn't me who'd arrived. it wasn't me at all. and once you lose yourself, you have two choices. find the person you used to be, or lose that person completely. because sometimes, you have to step outside of the person you've been, and remember the person you were meant to be. the person you wanted to be. the person you are.
i see no point in trying anymore. i chased after you for too long, boy. and after everything i put into it i'm walking away now, with nothing. a broken heart is all i have to show for all the time i wasted on you.
the only reason we hold back is because we think we have an endless amount of chances or that there will always be one more. but as time disappears into the past and life goes on, those chances will run out and you'll either live with eternal happiness for being brave, or eternal regret for holding back.
it all comes down to the last person you think of at night.
at some point you will realize that you have done too much for someone or something, that the only next possible step to do is to stop. leave them alone. walk away. it's not like you're giving up, and it's not like you shouldn't try. it's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. what is truly yours would eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.
people ask me who i am. the answer? i don't really know. a few years ago i would have said i was a girl who loved life. a few months ago i would have said i was a girl who loved a boy with everything she had. now, i guess you could say i've been through a lot and i've been broken in many places and in lots of ways. i guess you could say i'm just trying to find my place.
okay, so now while most of me has accepted that nothing will ever happen, i told you that, remember? well, the part of me that hasn't accepted it, wants something to happen more than anything. you're my freaking savior. the whole manwhore situation, even though i refer to him by his name with you, everything i've had to deal with, i love that i can tell you about it. and god dammit, why does 'comfortable' mean different things depending on your gender? i mean. okay. i am comfortable with you. that means i want to date you even more than i wanted to date the guys i liked but i wasn't comfortable with. i can be myself with you, and that makes me like you ever more. and then, you're comfortable with me. that means you don't want to date me. i'm not sure why. but i hate it. those girls you like, fuck. they don't see how amazing you are, they don't even fucking know. you should be with someone that does see. that knows. i know, this makes it sound like you should just be with me, but i think i'd be at least a little more okay if you were going out with someone who i knew liked you. who i knew realized how great you are. but you don't. you fall for people that don't like you. that find you annoying. that feed you bullshit lines so that you don't get too hurt. and yeah, i know, everybody does. you're the first 'good guy' i've liked. and i don't mind the flirting even though i know it's going nowhere. really. i don't mind you talking to me about the girls you like because i want you to feel like you can trust me. i want you to know you can trust me, because i can trust you, and you have no idea how important that is to me. so, go after that girl. i'll be here when she hurts you. the part of me that hasn't accepted the fate that is destined will keep on hoping that it'll all turn out like 'you belong with me' by taylor swift. and i think you know that.
and as you stare at me with those bright blue eyes, i wonder how i've ever survived without you.
michelangelo said the best way to judge the essential elements of a sculpture is to throw it down a hill and the unimportant pieces will break away. sometimes, life is like that. it tosses us down a hill. when we reach the bottom, only the important things are left, and that's when our vision clears. that's when we hold on tight to what we know, while hope stirs inside us. it's all a matter of perspective.
sometimes you just need to be alone. sometimes not even your best friend needs to know. sometimes you need to put up the walls so you can examine yourself in the peace and quiet. sometimes the loud sounds need to fade away, leaving only the silence and you; that's it.
i've tried forgetting but that didn't seem to work. so i've come to terms with who you are and who you've been. the only thing i wish you could see is what you really could be. your past doesn't make you or decide who you are. and i know you're not sorry, but i've forgiven you.
oh, we've all got sob stories, darling. every one of us could tell a tale that would break your little heart. some of us recognize that sob stories are no excuse for bad behavior, though.
sometimes you just feel empty, lonely, insignificant. and it doesn't matter what you do. no it doesn't matter how many laps you run, musicals you join, classes you skip or how many pairs of shoes you buy; you still feel like crap. sometimes i just feel like taking off, selling everything i own and running away to somewhere so distant, running away into the unknown.
people get stuck in moments. hearts break and don't fix easy. love is nothing easy. it is not cheap. it is the greatest thing that happens on this planet, and so it comes priced as gold. one of my best friends used to sing the words "love is war". there is the fight for holding on. and the fight for letting go. the hardest thing i have ever experienced is the learning which and when. but i still say it's worth it, that love is real and possible. there are things worth fighting for, and love is at the top of the list.
so this is basically my favorite update in awhile. <3